This is all getting so real...

Thank you all for your encouragement and prayers lately, and again today. I really, really liked the Plastic Surgeon and his team! I am confident I am in great hands! 

Also, I have cried more today than I have in a long time. Listening to the details and scenarios and also realizing HOW many unknowns there still are until they are in my face was quite a big pill to swallow. This is a major surgery and it’s gonna rock my world for the next 6-12 months. 

The Dr. and his whole team were SO kind to me. They told me they hated that I was there and the reason why I was there. They hated how long I’ve been on this journey. They reminded me that I am so young for this and that this is major surgery. They also reminded me I am beautiful and they reassured me that they will do all they can to put me back together as best as they can. 

I know I’m in great hands! 

Please pray that the tumors are controlled and the roots haven’t spread too deep or wide. Also please pray for peace in my body and my mind. This is BY FAAAAR the most horrific and unnerving journey I have ever walked and my face is breaking out in painful sores that are caused by stress. I hear the “you are so brave” comments and I appreciate that but please know I am so freaked out as well!!!! True story, I turned white as a ghost and almost passed out at one point during our consultation today. This is all just nuts. 

I truly can’t believe this is part of my story....

Keep Mom in the Picture!!!

Team Laing had date afternoon. Emily and Will went to lunch and Margaret and I had some time together. 

Those who’ve known me since I became a mom 9.5 years ago you’ve heard me encourage us to all “keep mom in the picture”. So often “mom” is the one taking the picture, feeling haggard, and I’ve been such a believer and made such an effort to keep myself and other moms in the picture. Our kids will want to look back and see us beside them, in all seasons.

I won’t lie. 

Being in pictures right now is the last thing I want to do. My scabs and scars and unknowns stare at me and make me want to put a bag over my head and crumble. 

But. 

I will never have this moment again. 

So although I’m weary, 

I want to be in the picture. 

I want to push through the fear. 

I am so reminded that we all have broken pieces in our lives. 

I am so thankful that when we are broken, God gets to be our strength. 

I am so so soooo thankful that we don’t have to walk through life alone. 

This girl loves so big. 

I love our time spent together!

Mohs Consult

Mohs Surgeon consult went well. 

We really liked her. 

She feels like she needs to bring a Facial Plastic Surgeon in once she removes the cancer in full so that he can do the reconstruction. 

Remember Mohs surgery is a 99+% cure rate (praise the lord). 

With working with two surgeons and their schedules we are looking at surgery in November. 

Hopefully we will have date set in next few days. Then we will have consult with Plastic Surgeon. 

In this picture you see the “smallest” she believes my hole will be. She said she was trying to remain optimistic with her grouping but we are definitely looking at this area being removed. 

We will have lots of questions for plastic surgeon. 

I feel VERY relieved that I have a little time before surgery to wrap my mind around this and prepare. William would prefer surgery tomorrow- so we are just walking this as graciously as we can. 

I have Infiltrative Basal Cell Skin Cancer... ON MY FACE!

Well this is a post I never wanted to write. 

I have skin cancer. 



But, here we are. 

Long story, or short story…. I’ll try to fall in the middle here. 

I’ve had a strange spot on my upper lip for a few years and I had been working with a dermatologist in regards to it. This last year I have been working so much on whole body health that I knew this spot needed to be seen by new eyes. I sought out a new dermatologist and 3 days before leaving for Germany I was able to get in with her. 

It was in that meeting that she told me she believed that what was on my lip was Skin Cancer and she wanted to do a biopsy. As tears were streaming because I was NOT expecting that, we were talking about how to go about the biopsy and I innocently asked if it mattered that I was leaving the country for two weeks…. she absolutely did not want to send me out of the country with an open wound. We scheduled my biopsy for first thing the Monday morning I returned and she felt HORRIBLE for saying she believed it was skin cancer and that we couldn’t do the biopsy for two weeks. She begged me to not let it ruin my trip and first thing when I saw her Monday she apologized again…. let me tell ya, this was a LOT for William and I to digest in those 2 weeks I was gone. A total fight of fear. A lot to process.

Many people seem to separate Skin Cancer into main groups “good kinds” and “bad kinds”… thankfully I have a “good kind”…. just the most intense kind of a good kind…. and it’s in a tricky spot. 

I have Infiltrative Basal Cell Skin Cancer on my lip/ upper lip. 

William and I will be meeting with a Mohs Surgeon tomorrow for a consultation and then we will work on securing a phenomenal facial plastic surgeon for reconstruction (this is the part I am most concerned about since Mohs surgery is a 99+% cure rate…. it’s the putting me back together on my face/smile that makes me most uneasy). 



I literally have no answers past this. No answers on when surgery will be, how quick this will go- but I’ll update as we learn. I am confident that God has opened phenomenal doors for us and that he is very much in this. That the medical care that we have been receiving has been superb and that we are on the right path. Even today at Trader Joes the checker man could tell I was off and started asking me caring questions which left me in tears and he grabbed and gifted me a gorgeous bouquet. Little blessings along the way! 

<3 



Tonight we told the girls the news and they seemed to do very well with it. We were straight forward and kept letting them guide with question asking. This will be a journey and walk of faith for them as well, but I am grateful we get to do this together. We promised them that we are learning beside them, that they can ask questions, that it’s okay to cry, and that we are all in this together. We also talked at great length about the fact that we believe in The Lord and that He can use ALL things for his good…. and that this news did not leave him panicking. 

From what I have been warned, the surgery and recovery will be pretty gnarly, but we are up for getting this cancer OUT of my body!!! Mohs surgery has a 99+% cure rate, so we will trust the facts and walk as boldly as we can towards that. 

Main question I’ve been getting is “how are you?” 
I’m a mixed bag of emotions. I am all over the place. I have been having my good days and bad days, but I KNOW that I will face this head on and that I have a seriously incredible army of people around me that will rally and pray!!!! I’ve realized it’s okay to not be okay… and my main reason for wanting to share this publicly is because I am not good with faking being okay. Life is tough, my darling, but so are you!!!! We all have stuff and it looks different for all of us, but together, we are stronger. I am not my trials. Neither are you. One day, one hour, one minute at a time…. we can do this!!!! <3



Before I go, I want to be sure to say, if I am slow to respond to you or don’t respond at all, please don’t take that personally. This has already proven to be a very overwhelming time and my focus has to be on taking care of me, my upcoming care, as well as on our family. I will of course read and listen to all messages of love and encouragement, I just already see myself slipping behind my replies and don’t want anyone to take that personally!!!! xoxo

MGL {a five year run to a new lifestyle}

April 2018

Dear Maggie,

This year you started kinder....
and it's been really, really good for you....
and really, really, really HARD!!!!!!
And time is a thief,
because I can't believe you are about to be DONE with kinder.
WHAT?!?!??!!

You have loved school.
You love your teacher.
You love being with your sissy.
You love learning.
You are really brilliant!





But also, this year I started realizing something.
I noticed your constant stomach aches.
Your constant constipation.
Your overwhelming growing pains....
...that didn't seem to ever go away.
I noticed you weren't sleeping well.
I noticed your moods always seemed outside of your control.

You could keep yourself pulled together around others, for the most part.
But for me, your  mama,  your safe place...
You would often totally and completely fall apart.
.... and it was hard.

And baby girl, I started praying.
Praying more than ever.
Praying for wisdom.
Guidance.
And I just really felt in my mommy heart that something wasn't right.

I started taking you to the pediatrician.
The biggest question mark to me was your growing pains....
the pains that weren't going away....
the pains that caused you to choose to sit
and play in the dirt at recess instead of run around.
The pains that caused you to refuse to play basketball.
The pains that caused you to crawl down the hallway in the mornings
instead of walking when I'd ask you to get dressed for school.
The pains that caused you to have us carry you up and down the stairs.
Lots and lots of pains.

Honestly. At first I was feeling like you were being defiant.
Or strong willed.
Or just plain difficult.

I hate saying that.
But it's the honest truth
and this behavior was so new and so intense.

After of over a year with meeting with your pediatrician,
mixed with my insistence and nudge from The Holy Spirit,
we ran a handful of blood tests, and then more blood tests.
*You are SO BRAVE*
but we wanted to dig deeper.
We needed to dig deeper.

We just needed more.
We needed to look "under the surface".
I needed to look until we found something.
Because I just knew something wasn't right.

Because I love you.
We love you.
We cherish you.
And we knew you needed us to advocate for you.

Anyhow.

You were so outrageously brave.
And as a mom, it is so very exhausting coaching kiddos through these moments of bravery.
But I wouldn't miss being the one physically there with you for the world.

So, this time in February 2018 we had your blood draw...
and you did great....
and then we realized we had 2 more tests we needed to do.

:( Sad sad sad.
So she had to draw blood from your other arm.
And you were AMAZING!!!!!!!
and feisty, and so cute!!!

Like, for real! You inspire me.

Anyway, we were told we would get results in 3-5 business days.
I stayed by my phone waiting for them.
And the call finally came at the end of the 5th business day.

My Aunt Iris had come to stay the night with us
so she could attend your Recitation the next morning,
so your Dad had taken you and Emily to Panera for dinner and then
on to Basketball practice.

Oh how you HATED basketball.
This was your first year.
And it was rough.
But we really stuck to it to begin teaching about
how important it is to not give up when you commit to something.

Anyhow. I got the call and your doctor asked if this
was a good time to talk and asked if
I was in a quiet place or would like to sit down.

Blah.

My heart sank.
This means it wasn't the quick, all is well.
But I wasn't fearful.
Even if it was the worst of news,
I knew you weren't feeling well
And this mama was ready to find answers and relief.

So I was standing in the kitchen, at the counter,
and I got out a note pad to start jotting notes
since clearly there was going to be a lot to this call.

Your CBC panel was BEAUTIFUL!!!
This is where signs of Leukemia would likely show up.
I learned this in the waiting period of those 5 long business days.
And I asked your doctor maybe 5 times over the course of the call
"So this really doesn't look like we are looking at leukemia, correct?"

I don't know why I kept asking,
but I have read one too many blogs and stories
about brave mamas walking that road
and I wanted to be as clear as I could.

So what was discovered was:
Two of your tests came back abnormal.
Your Celiac Panel and your ANA Panel were both abnormal.

My heart sank.
Even now, two months later, my heart sinks just thinking about it.
But not so much out of fear,
just the fact that something is wrong with my baby.

First. I don't want anything wrong.
Second. Didn't you go through enough "Medical issues" when you were born?
I kinda want to scream THIS ISN'T FAIR..

.... but that doesn't help at all.

But it feels good at the moment to say it,
so excuse me for a moment:
it's not fair!!!!!

When I was on the phone call, I felt literally held by God.
My thoughts were focused.
Fear was at bay.
I was able to comprehend.
I even got off the phone, didn't cry,
grabbed my Aunt, headed to get dinner at panera,
and together we went and watched the girls at basketball practice with Will.

At that practice, you were crying and didn't want to run around....
and instead of seeing defiance, I saw a child that has sooooooo much more going on.
More than we had any idea of.
More than we even knew what was going on.
But it felt good to be sympathetic in a new way, and yet still urge you to do your best.
BLAH!

Parenting is HARD work!!!

So while we were there I told Will about my call.
I kept it positive, upbeat.

I let him know that we didn't know anything yet
outside the fact that
Celiac and ANA.... abnormal.
And our pediatrician mentioned with all the growing pains,
perhaps we are looking at Rheumatoid Arthritis.

Our plan of action was simple:
Try to get Maggie into see the specialists she needs to see.
Don't tell the girls, because we don't want fear to spread, and truly: there's no diagnosis yet.
Just abnormalities. WHAT DO THEY MEAN?!?!
Not knowing if she's full blown celiac or what,
Not knowing if she has Rheumatoid Arthritis or a totally different Auto Immune Disease,
we knew we needed to (and could!!!) remove at least gluten from her diet immediately.
We knew she has been physically hurting for a while.

<<<insert panic, because this girl has a serious toddler diet of all the carbs and gluten filled things. eek!>>>

Spring Break week, Emily had a Beauty and the Beast camp she was doing,
So Maggie and I had a big talk about how her Doctor called
and we think her body may be allergic to gluten...
so naturally, we went out and bought ALLLLLLLLL of the
gluten free snacks and cold turkey began her switch.

I also learned that almost all "gluten free" things are
loaded with tons and tons of extra sugar.
So we have been trying to find a balance of finding
tasty snacks, but truly just switching to a more "whole foods"
approach because we don't want to also create a sugar problem.
We want to find health.

Anyhow. It is hard to explain to a 5 year old about food allergies.
But we just went with a dramatic and silly explanation of how
gluten seems to attack her body *boom*boom*bang*boom* and
it really trys to beat the gluten up as the bad guy.
... like, if a bad guy came into my path, I would try everything I could to fight him.

Well... her body is attacking the gluten...
and she feels it in her tummy aches,
and in her growing pains,
and in lack of sleep,
and in her crying tantrums she has with me...
I explained how that's not all her doing that....
it's her body.
Attacking the bad guy in there, and doing everything it can to try to protect her.

.... that seemed to work.
So, pretty cold turkey, we made the switch.

But one night we were on a road trip and I wasn't prepared, so we all
had CFA sandwiches.... (I figured, how bad could one cheat be)....
well she was up till 1:45 in the morning, had a tummy ache, emotional, and didn't feel well.
Sheesh. Lesson learned.

*Mind blown*

I can't believe how much food truly fuels our bodies.
Like, I've heard that.
But seeing it like this first hand is SHOCKING!!!

Behavior. Pain. Sleep.
Wow.
In one week, she started to become herself again.

We've met with a GI.... and that wasn't the most helpful appointment of all time.
LOL.
It was less emphasis on her diet, and more emphasis on medical testing and medicines.
But he was happy to hear she seemed better by diet change.

Any who, we will be meeting with a nutritionist that comes SUUUUUUPER highly recommended from many friends, and that will be more up our alley I think.
I'd much prefer food to heal her body from the inside out than to use medicines or tests.
And honestly, I've seen such improvement, I am happy to keep going that route.
I'm not apposed to medicines. My girls use many for allergies and asthma....
but there's already clearly been some healing taking place.
And I want to go with that. :)

But in Feb when we started getting in touch with
Rheumotology Departments, the soonest they could see us was:
"Hopefully September"

So frustrating. On so many levels.
My first frustration was selfish.
That's not an acceptable timeline for my baby...
My second frustration was:
How SAD that this specialty that I didn't even know existed
has such a need for a long wait time :(

So the mama bear in me started reaching out to lots of different locations
... well one of those locations were able to get us in....
Today! April 19th.
It's been a long wait
but it's here.

And I am PRAYING for answers.

As much as being Gluten Free has helped,
you aren't 100%, that's for sure.

Two nights ago your leg was hurting so bad you woke up
crying and in so much pain, so we slept together that night
on the couch.

Actually, Emily's allergies were having a flair up, so all of us, even daddy slept on the couch.
#FamilySleepover

Then this morning, your neck was hurting,
your tummy hurting and your leg and knee hurting.

It breaks my heart.
And yet I'm thankful I know you aren't just making something up, or being dramatic.
You really truly, hurt.

For today, I am praying for the following:
-the beginnings of answers.
-of more digging for what in the world is going on.
-a diagnosis/answer as to what is going on.
-always praying for healing.
-for relief!!!!!!
-for a real option of what the next steps are.

And finally, I just want to go on record and say the following...
and I want to say it because I never truly understood.

There are some people who are "Gluten Free" or who have dietary restrictions
that do NOT want them.
It's not fun. It's not funny. It's not a fad.
And Maggie girl, I know you didn't choose this.

It's 100% for your health.
And sweet 5 year old girl.
You are brave beyond belief.

And we have had so many people who have been in our corner supporting us in this time,
what a gift they have been!!!!!!!!

You aren't alone.
You are beautiful.
You are so very loved.
And even while hurting,
and even in the unknowns,
you have the Joy of The Lord which shines so brightly through you.

Sometimes as humans we can forget that so much more is going on inside of us.
I look at this picture below and would never think anything is wrong.
This has been a HUGE reminder to me
That everyone is facing battles we know nothing about.
And kindness always wins!!!!

Maggie, I love being your Mom!
You are one of the biggest learning lessons in my life!!!!

We will get you better. We will do all we can!